No Rest For The Weary

I think sometimes it’s easy for people to forget their own struggles or to rewrite history to suit their current picture. We tend to be defensive when we are in the midst of calamity; however, once we get on top then we can air our dirty laundry, accept blame for our part in the mayhem, and clearly see that if everyone else would just do what we had done then they, too, would be triumphant. Yes, I’m talking about the ever elusive battle of getting sleep. There is more advice on how to get your children to sleep and how to get yourself well rested than any of us know what to do with, but what there isn’t enough of…is sleep!

I have been a long time sufferer of routine-a-phobia and am also scheduley-challenged. Maybe it’s my gypsy soul, my contempt for boredom, or my inability to live outside of the very moment I am in, but whatever the case may be the thought of sticking to a strict schedule makes me itchy. I’m getting sweaty palms just thinking about it and glancing at the kitchen window hoping I don’t throw myself out in to oncoming traffic.

Is it possible for me to keep a schedule? In theory, yes, I have created, and kept, several schedules for a time, but they deplete me of all joy and in return I get sleep…and depressed, which makes me need more sleep and so you see, the simple answer of “you need a routine” is not so simple anymore.

Here’s how most of the advice on having a restful home has sounded to me…”Ya know, people who wear a size 4 look thinner than people who wear a 14, you should get a pair of size 4 jeans.” Thanks, I’ll get right on that, p.s. I hate you! I have had my share of issues with sleep. Both of my boys have been horrible sleepers since they were born, and I still get up at least twice most nights but considering that it used to be 4-8 times a night for the last two years, I actually think I’ve mastered it now. I could easily tell you to just get The No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley and do everything it says, and you too can feel as rested as I do. In fact, I have cut myself off mid-sentence as I was gloating to another exhausted and disgruntled Mom who was searching for an answer to her sleepless nights. I decided to be honest. Even though my ego really wanted to rub my greatness in her tired little eyes, I restrained and told her the truth. “Ya, know” I offered “I got this book, The No-Cry Sleep Solution, and after reading half of it I found some things really worked for me, and my kids are sleeping better than ever but they still wake up every night. Maybe if I finished the book it would help more but I’m done reading it, it just got annoying. Also, I really think my husband’s change in schedule helped me a lot, he is on first shift now and is amazing at routine and has helped us keep one for bedtime.” She admitted that her husband was not helpful in this area and I knew my solution was not a good fit for her home. I could have been smug or condescending, goodness knows I enjoy both, but my empathy got the best of me.

I always felt very guilty about my children’s sleep issues because I believed it was all my fault and most of the advice I received drove that point home. If I would just do cry-it-out, if I would just stick to a schedule, if I would just be sure they ate proper amounts of protein, no sugar after 2pm, no red dye number 4, try cutting out dairy, take them outside to play more, don’t watch tv at night, and the list goes on and on and on and on. The problem is that when you are sleep-deprived you are only capable of this: Get out of bed, do things you can’t remember having done all day long, keep children alive, throw food on floor and hope they find it, go to bed and not sleep, repeat for all eternity!
In the thick of sleeplessness is hopelessness, and somewhere in this valley you will make a path that fits your family. The blame for sleeplessness, in my opinion, is shared among the family. It means you don’t all click quite right. Some families click from day one. Kid comes home, sleeps all night, happily nurses or takes bottles and, while there are still plenty of challenges, it seems a nice fit. Not for my family. We do not fit! We are not square pegs in a round hole; a little shaving can fix that. We are a band of rabid chipmunks in a holy sanctuary. Please meet Mr. Particular, his wife Impatient, and their two kids Stubborn and Determined. We have strong and often opposing personalities and I think all this plays in to managing our home without ignoring anybody’s needs or limitations.

My first approach to all of it was to make them learn to adapt to my personality. When that failed, I tried adapting to theirs. When that failed, I began learning about balance and harmony. I started looking at what we were and not what I thought everyone should be. I started considering how I could use each person’s strengths instead of attacking our weaknesses. I realized that getting to know my family was the best way to manage it. And that’s when I realized that we had some interesting dynamics in these four walls.
For instance my oldest son, Landon, is by far more stubborn than I am. This means that I was not going to be successful in many sleep training methods. I needed to find one that didn’t create an atmosphere where my impatience was fighting his stubbornness every night. My youngest sun is ridiculously determined, and I am easily anxious, so I needed to find a way where I was not concerned that he had escaped from his room and called a taxi to pick him up. Combine this with my house being small and my husband being both a light sleeper and completely unable to function without a good night’s sleep.
People are different; families have different priorities, different challenges, and different ways of approaching them. Advice is wonderful and helpful often, but remembering that it is never as simple as “all you have to do is…” can save an exhausted mom much aggravation as she struggles to get her chipmunks on a pew.
That being said, here’s what has helped me:

Blast the song “Who Needs Sleep?” by Barenaked Ladies and when you get to the chorus jump up and down and sing along as loudly as you can…

…And to that I say, well maybe he can come watch my kids so I can take a nap.

To all the sleepless Momma’s, I feel your pain, I know your struggles, and I speak to you as someone who slept 2.5 hours straight last night, then 4 hours straight, and I call this success. Research shows that unless you have submitted your family as a scientific experiment, their research does not include you. This is not to say that there is not plenty to be learned from what works for everyone or anyone, but someday something will “work” for you. It will be your own okay, and you will be able to tackle the next challenge.