Answer: You don’t.
By Kimberlee Brandt
While attending a wedding recently I was asked about my profession. The bride and groom were in their late thirties and had finally found one another. Many women at this small wedding were lamenting the fact that still had not found the “right” one. A few were divorced and were lacking hope that they would find someone again. Over and over again, I heard the question, “How do you land a man?” They figured I would have the magic quotient or the secret answer to this question. In thinking this over, I looked at each one of them—successful, bright, darling women in their late thirties and early forties, but just not willing to compromise what they were looking for in a man. I applauded them for this and encouraged them to be proud.
My answer to their question was this: You don’t land a man. They land you.
Confidence is the sexiest quality. If you present yourself as confident, the men will come to you. You then have the power to choose who is right for you and who is wrong—which man will enhance who you are and which man will squelch your inner being. After I told the women this, they questioned me. One of them said, “But I had a father who wasn’t nice to me and I don’t have any self esteem.” Another one said she had been in too many failed relationships and didn’t trust men. Both arguments are very credible and rampant with many women today. Again, I answered them: “If you don’t have the self-esteem, pretend that you do.” Pretend you are the self-confident person that you want to be. It will be one of the hardest things you will do in your life, but the most worthwhile. Rather than lamenting the fact that you don’t have self-esteem, see what it would be like to live in your body with self-esteem. Try it out on a date. Pretend to be the person you want to be and eventually you will turn into that person. There is a difference in pretending to change FOR a man and pretending to be who you really want to be. All women are born with an inner confidence—throughout life it can erode away if we are not in ideal situations. In ideal situations it can only flourish.
Many single women see married women as finding success in life where they have failed. It is not a matter of failure. It is a matter of timing. One of the women asked me, “What if I changed this in my life or what if I did this differently?” As long as the changes you’re making are to better your quality of life, than great. But you should never comprise who you are to satisfy a man. You have to put yourself out there as who you really are. When someone comes along and believes you are the greatest thing in the world and you haven’t changed a bit, that’s relationship success. It may not be the one you marry; it can even be in friendships. Success in relationships is when you have not changed one bit the person you are or what you believe in. Too many women try to alter their personas in the pursuit of a man. If you are steadfast and confident in who you are, the men will pursue you.
Kimberlee Brandt is director of It’s Just Lunch located in Albany. She can be reached at 482.8400 or www.itsjustlunch.com.