Bringing optimism into family life
By Randy Cale, PH.D
Many parents wonder how to best help their children develop a sense of optimism. As we know, it appears that optimism brings great rewards over the course of our lives. We are not only happier with life, but we are more resourceful in the face of difficulty. Optimism gives us the ability to problem-solve and see opportunity where others do not. On a very practical level, optimistic individuals live longer, have fewer illnesses and experience fewer divorces. The list of benefits is quite impressive and our children would clearly benefit from this gift if we can instill this valuable trait.
We often undermine optimism by promoting pessimism. Many of us are constantly wrecking our family’s happiness and optimism. We don’t do it intentionally, but it happens with our daily choices. Here’s how:
First, we walk through the door grumpy. We don’t even need to speak in a pessimistic way, as our actions are clear. The message our children receive is that the world is not a happy place for mom or dad.
Secondly, we let problems get our repeated attention. In a world where most of us are remarkably blessed, we find problems. It’s not intentional. It’s just that many of us were “trained” by our parents to notice what’s not working and focus our attention and energy on the things we don’t like, resulting in letting this perspective dominate our life’s view.
Finally, we give our energy to our children’s problems more than we focus on their success and happiness. When we keep investing in those “problem moments,” it’s as if we are training their brains to think that the world (i.e., mom and dad) really care more about problem moments than they do about happy, cooperative moments.
When all of this is combined, our kids don’t stand a chance to pull out of our problem focused, pessimistic world.”
To turn this around, we need to intentionally nurture optimism!
Unfortunately, optimism isn’t something we can “give” our children, any more than we can give them self-esteem or appreciation; they have to attain those characteristics on their own. Yet, we can plant the healthy, strong seeds of optimism. Here’s how:
1. Pay attention to what you model. Make a commitment to walk in the door with a focus on what you value and appreciate. Let your kids see your smile and your happiness. Talk about what went well, not what went wrong. Show them that the little things don’t really matter. Build this train of thought inside of you and your children will naturally learn from your presence.
2. Ignore pessimism, whining and negativity. When those around you get pulled into negative, complaining and pessimistic emotional states, ignore them. When your children whine and complain, walk away. When you find someone on the TV complaining about the world, change the channel. When you find yourself noticing more problems, ignore your own thoughts. You don’t have to keep thinking about problems just because they show up in your mind.
3. Limit the attention you give to problems. There are problems. And our “problem-focused world” is one of the biggest obstacles to our persistent optimism! But it’s not the problems themselves that do the most to defeat optimism; it’s the disproportionate amount of attention we give to them. We have to be careful, as we can easily fall into the habit of finding only problems, and then trying to solve them. Many of these so-called problems could easily be defined as natural learning experiences if we just get out of the way. It may not even appear as a problem to our children if we don’t make it one. So be careful and limit the attention you give to problems. Instead, shift your energy and attention to the solution to the problem as quickly as possible.
4. Build on the moments of happiness and optimism. Finally, the way to enhance a child’s experience of happiness and joy is to spend more time noticing moments of happiness and joy. This really means that you put your active attention into the moments you truly value. In the process, you will actually build their psychological resiliency and trigger an upward spiral toward improved emotional well-being.
So, rather than ignoring the joyful, happy, calm and cooperative moments, engage with your children during these moments. Laugh! Smile at them! Give them a thumbs up! Roll on the floor with them! Play games with them! And be more spontaneous in your play!
This doesn’t mean that you need to be playing for two hours. This means simply stopping in for five minutes and joining in the laughter and fun. Comment on how much you enjoy being with your children when they are laughing and playing.
When you follow these simple principles, you will find a growing sense of optimism in your home.
Dr. Randy Cale, a Clifton Park based parenting expert, author, speaker and licensed psychologist, offers practical guidance for a host of parenting concerns. Dr. Cale’s new website, www.TerrificParenting.com offers valuable free parenting information and an e-mail newsletter.