Teen whisperer for hire
By Alison Molea-LaVigne
You have probably seen the dog whisperer, Caesar Millon, on TV. He is the guy who teaches dog owners the “calm-assertive” leadership, which in turn resolves behavioral problems such as whining, barking and biting without emotional arguments or negotiations.
The term ‘horse whisperer’ derives from the Irish horseman Daniel Sullivan, who rehabilitated violent and unmanageable horses affected by abuse and trauma. Though he kept his methods secret, the gist is to secure a horse's cooperation through gentleness, perceptiveness and quiet strength.
Similar to owners and their animals, many parent-teen relationships are one-way, with parents forever giving orders and teens rebelling. Suddenly, topics which used to be benign now become common clashes: what clothes they wear, how they style their hair, where they go, how they get there, the people they hang with, what they eat, when they sleep, etc. As far as the teenager is concerned, everything their parents had total control over when they were little becomes negotiable.
A major task of adolescence involves identity development. Teens create their own opinions, thoughts and values about life and parents may have a difficult time adjusting. In many families, this is what causes a great deal of fighting. A teen wants to paint her walls four different colors; her parent doesn't understand why she doesn’t like the Hello Kitty wallpaper anymore. A teen thinks it’s okay to be on the computer every day after school; his parent would rather he play a sport.
Anger arises when teens feel their parents don't respect them and give them space, and parents get angry as well, disagreeing with their teens’ decisions and not being in control.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. Dog whisperers and horse whisperers dramatically change the way that humans interact with animals, so maybe parents need to learn how to become teen whisperers. (To my knowledge, no such professional exists. If it did, can you imagine the waiting list?).
Becoming a teen whisperer
What animal whisperers do is acknowledge the differences between themselves and their subjects. By doing this, they cannot help but to deeply connect with their subject as they come to understand their wants and needs. They are communicating instead of merely issuing and enforcing orders. Whispering is more about being in tune to where the animal is at, not having an agenda for its behavior.
It takes the same qualities and awareness for parents to have successful and rewarding relationships with their teenager. More importantly, it takes the commitment of a parent to choose to realign with their teen, have a "relationship do-over" so to speak.
While you can’t expect to become a teen whisperer overnight, here are some helpful hints (adapted in part from Pennsylvania State University’s Solution Source at www.solutionspsu.edu ) that may help you re-establish a constructive relationship with your teenager.
1. Don't yell. Try it for a day, a morning or an afternoon.
2. Ask yourself: "Do I talk TO my teenager?" or "Do I talk WITH my teenager?" Do you remind, threaten, blame, question, order or judge, trying to coerce your teen into doing what you want them to do? Instead, parents should listen, trying to understand and accept the differing point of view. At this point, it is fine for a parent to express their feelings, concerns and point of view.
3. Listening means concentrating on what the other person is saying rather than what you plan to say as soon as you get the chance. Try very hard to keep angry, fearful and hurtful emotions in check while you listen. The focus needs to be on what your teen is trying to tell you, instead of what you are thinking about. Don't interrupt while they are talking and do not judge what they are saying. Just listen. Make an effort to consider the issue from your teen’s point of view.
4. Use "I – messages" to get your point across without offending the other person. Start with the word "I", then add your thoughts, feelings, needs or wants. For example, "I scream when you don't come home on time when you have the car because I worry you may have gotten into an accident." Also, keep in mind that your tone of voice tells a lot about what you're thinking, especially if you're being sarcastic.
5. Pay attention! Look at the person who is talking to you. Make eye contact and don't interrupt. If it's a bad time to talk, tell the person you are interested in listening and set up a better time to talk, as soon as possible. Keep your word.
6. Listen for what is not said. What a person hesitates to say is often the heart of the message. People also convey information with their tone of voice or body language. Listen with your eyes as well as your ears. Encourage the other person to keep talking.
7. Before you respond, be sure you understand the other's message. Start out with the phrase…"So, what you’re saying is…" and then repeat what you've heard. It's an excellent technique and it works.
8. Hug your teen and tell them you love them just as they are, and mean it. Now is a great time to start, even if you whisper it.
Alison Molea-LaVigne is a clinical social worker in private practice. She works with individuals, families, couples, teens and children on a wide range of issues. She is also an Independent Consultant for Synergy Counseling Associates in Albany and can be contacted at 222.7613 or amolealavigne@gmail.com.