Relational aggression

Can a girl be a bully?

By Alison Molea-LaVigne

There was a little girl who had a little curl right in the middle of her forehead
When she was good she was very, very good and when she was bad she was horrid…

Bullying, or aggression, comes in many shapes and sizes and the non-physical type can hurt a person even more than being punched or slapped. Girls use social relationships as a weapon for harming one another, and most often the motivation comes from feeling dismissed or ignored. This type of bullying is called relational aggression.

Signs of bullying, by age
Although there is a multitude of ways this weapon is used, some of the more common tactics with elementary school-aged girls include:
• Excluding or ignoring someone when angry (giving the "silent treatment")
• Telling peers not to play with someone
• Not inviting certain peers to a birthday party and then talking about it in front of them
• Name calling/critiques of body, hair and clothes
Cliques come into play starting at the middle school level. Rosalind Wiseman author of Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends and Other Realities of Adolescence defines a clique as "a platoon of soldiers who have banded together to navigate the perils and insecurities of adolescence." Though she thinks that a positive clique can be a wonderful thing for girls, she has also observed "sweet, intelligent girls plotting another's humiliating downfall." Good or bad, cliques are a huge fact of life for girls, sometimes starting around age 8-9.
Common bullying tactics at this stage include:
• Spreading rumors about a peer
• Purposefully not leaving a seat at a table in the cafeteria or classroom
• Talking about one girl to another, often while in the girl's presence
• Cyberbullying (using technology to torment, threaten, harass, humiliate, embarrass or otherwise target a girl)
Teenage bullies may start to act out physically, such as shoving a girl into a locker as they walk by or taking her backpack or other personal items and hiding them in the school. The older girls become the more competitive and judgmental they get, and the more vicious rumors can become. These rumors often revolve around a girl's sexuality (saying she is promiscuous when she isn’t or that she is pregnant or has an STD). Most likely, the cause of this bad behavior is a jealousy of a girl's relationship with a boy or another friend.

First listen, then help
To help protect them from painful relationships, parents can start to understand the complications of girl relationships and the sophisticated social levels that exist within them. Here’s a cheat sheet that Wiseman created for parents to help identify and better understand the types of girls their daughter may be dealing with. She terms them: Queen Bee (always in charge), Sidekick (does everything the queen bee does), Banker (gets girls to confide then uses information against them), Floater (friends with all groups), Torn Bystander (always caught in the middle of two or more girls), Pleaser/Wannabee/Messenger (can be every girl in the group) and Target (the – sometimes unsuspecting – victim). The roles range from the highest positions of power to the lowest.
For many parents, it can be difficult to get your daughter to open up to you about cliques and her experiences. Wiseman says to "approach your daughter as an observer of other girls." As she returns to school this fall, talk to her about how she feels about her friends and how they treat other people. If she is open and vocal, you may already know a bit about each and every person at school. If she is not, ask her questions about where she sits in the cafeteria and with whom she hangs out with at recess and what they do. Maybe your daughter likes to be in charge or maybe she is being bullied. She may not tell you and you may not find out for some time.
When she does start to talk to you about what she sees, ask her where she thinks she fits in. Whatever position she has in a clique, validate her experience. Tell her that you know these situations can be difficult and that it is hard to know what to do. Even if she is the “Target”, don't tell her what to do or threaten to call the school. Instead, work with her to come up with a plan that describes what she wants to change and how she can make that happen.
Even though she may insist on handling it on her own, your daughter may be unable to. According to The Ophelia Project, relational aggression can affect a girl's ability to learn, grow and succeed. Research proves that relational aggression is related to increased depression, lower academic performance, increased suicidal ideation, increased anxiety, anger, sadness and other negative consequences. Consult a mental health professional or school administrator if this is the case to discuss the options your family has.
Alison Molea-LaVigne is a clinical social worker in private practice. She works with individuals, families, couples, teens and children on a wide range of issues. She is also an Independent Consultant for Synergy Counseling Associates in Albany and can be contacted at 222.7613 or amolealavigne@gmail.com.